I am posting this here in response to someone's question about how I became a Christ follower. The bunny trail stories are wonderful adventures, but I would have no life if I had to type them all. Anyway, here is a basic snippet of my journey to becoming a Christ follower:
I was Catholic by upbringing, raised Catholic, baptized, confirmed, after all I am Irish/Italian... therefore, everyone was Catholic. Actually my mother and father were ‘creasters’… people that went to church on Christmas and Easter, however I attended parochial school. I had issues with some nuns there. I had sincere questions, i.e. “If God loves us, why can’t we just talk to Him without going through a saint or Mary?” “If Jesus died for the sins of the world, how come I have to tell the priest and not him that I am sorry”, “If Jesus is my friend and brother, why do I have to talk to his mother and not him”. “Why can my friend come to church with me but I can’t go to her church?” Etc. etc. At this time in my life I was not being a smart-ass, I totally sincere. I really wanted to know. I wasn’t a Catholic basher; I was a sweet little girl who thought about things.
Sometime around 3rd or 4th grade I realized the Easter Bunny was a sham...Santa & God went right with him... God hung in there a little longer…however…not much longer. By the time I was 13, a young hunk in the neighborhood I hung out in ( Bradley Ave), who was studying to be a priest, enlightened all of us teens that the bible was not true, that it was allegorical, and Adam and Eve were protozoa. Well, that put the nail in God's coffin... At least the God of the bible… I left the door open for some kind of God… but basically one that would cover every person’s belief… maybe just a force… hadn’t defined it, didn’t need to, decided that religion was just a philosophy used to control the mindless masses.
Enter my true teen years ... socially, all the moral norms were in an upheaval. My code of living was if you “believe it”, and “it works for you”, then it is good. If it “feels good or right… DO IT!.” I truly believe you could do what ever you wanted, as long as you didn't hurt people. If there was a God, he was not that intimately involved in our lives. But, like I said, I wasn't so sure there was one...
Bottom line, I was “nice” to people ... and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I had integrity, I lived what I believed. As time went on I clearly began to believe in a spirit realm or world, in ghosts, poltergeist and the like. I was one of those people whose Ouija board actually moved without pushing. Yes, it did work, it did spell things and communicate things… NO, my friends did not push it. We could do the “Look Ma, no hands” and it would still work. (Years later when I was just out of my teens it said some heinous things.. frightfully heinous. I then determined THAT spirit was not a blithe spirit. (My friend and I burned that sucker in my tub).
I also liked tarot cards, and even began the steps in becoming a witch. (I would have been a 'good' witch... I was a "good" person.) I loved nature, I loved “magic”, I had interests in all metaphysical things and was very ‘open-minded”.
Eventually some logic/questions began to dawn on me... Why in some of the rituals that I read, did I have to denounce the monotheistic God of the Jews and Jesus? Why not other religious leaders? Why at all? hmmmm... I wasn't comfortable with that ... made me think there might be something to those systems of belief… or at least the Divine. I knew I believed in the spirit realm, I had experiences that convinced me. (In America isn’t it all about personal experience? Don’t we base all “truth” on what WE experience?
Why was it easier to believe in the metaphysical realm, the spiritual dimension? But not a God that had a will, personality and something to say... hmmmm... Well, those thoughts curtailed some of my occult activity. "If in doubt, do without" ... the nasty Ouija board convinced me of the reality of evil.
Soon I laid those thoughts aside and continued to enjoy my life as a free, modern, independent woman... (I began living on my own at the age of 19, and became a free modern woman by the time I was 21.)
During that time, especially with the addition of some nursing school under my belt, I came to the conclusion that there was not really “a God”, well not an all knowing supreme being that religions claim, in fact I often felt convinced that there was no ‘god’ at all. That belief’s that people held were just comforting answers to fill in the blanks. I considered myself an atheist for a long period of time. Time marched on… then… few years later...
My older sister, (Miss goody two shoes; never smoked, never drank, never had sex...sheesh.. what a square...you know the type..) became a 'BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN"... OH PLEASE!!!! Every time I was around that “Know it all sister” of mine was telling me I was “going to hell” for this or that. (Perhaps she didn't say it quite like it, but that was the gist.)
My sister kept telling me that God was real, my "SIN" separated me from him, and that meant when I died, I would be eternally separated from Him..." (Yeah right.. uh huh... HELL>>>SIN>> ooh I am scared!--NOT). However, since I did not believe in that primitive, ignorant concept of “hell”, it was pointless.
Being somewhat rebellious and impish, during that period of time, I took my opportunity to mock my sister. My favorite sport was to have my sister come over and tell us (my roommate Gail and I) about "Jesus. Before she would come, we would have some wine, or a joint, lay some seeds around... empty glasses, maybe a tarot card or that infamous Ouija board. When my sister would talk to us about God and we would get the major giggles... What fun we thought it was. (I was a brat huh? Mean even… yes, mean was hidden in my humor and behavior & sarcasm for years – but that is another story).
This continued for a few years. Until one day when I overheard my father and stepmother speaking of my sister in a derogatory manner. I did not like that at all. I could do what ever I wanted, it was my sister and I still loved her... but I didn't like the nasty things they were saying about her; it wounded me. (My sister was/is a highly intelligent, professional woman, and I was insulted at the things that were said about her).
I wanted to HELP my poor sister...So, I set out on a quest to show my sister, that all religions lead to God, and that the bottom line, was that it didn't matter what you believed,. As long as you were sincere, didn’t hurt, judge or infringe on people.
For nearly a year, I researched different religions, belief systems, philosophies, etc. I really respected intelligence and mental acuity; therefore, I set out on the intellectual road. Often speaking to the learned professional people I worked with. (I was an assistant social worker at the time. and I had access to a great pool of minds and diverse backgrounds.)
One of the odd things that kept surfacing was that there was no religion, or history like that of the Jews. Even archeology supported some of their outlandish claims. Hmmm... I found that was quite interesting. At the time, one of the things that stood out to me about the Jewish faith was that their God spoke to them and was interested in relationship. Like Moses, Abraham and others. I sort of thought that was neat. (If it were true) I had known that other spirits interacted with humanity through some interesting experiences throughout my life.
I had some neat conversations with a friend's husband who was a brain surgeon studying to be a Rabbi. (From Israel no less.) He gave me some very interesting books... (Eventually those same books would lead me to a belief in Jesus--but he didn't realize that).
During this research, after my curiosity was piqued about the God of the Hebrews, I began "talking to the air." I would say things like "If you exist, then you can hear me... yada yada yada."
It was all logical to me. Let’s face it… IF God really did exist, it would be important to know him. If He did exist, I wanted to know. I wanted to know HIM, not know OF him... I wanted a relationship like the guys in the Old Testament that had conversations with him. That had lives that were profoundly impacted by his guidance. Sounded cool to Me. After all, he would be better to know than a president, king or actor. Sure we can read about celebrities and people in history.. But to KNOW them… THAT IS PRICELESS. So, if that were true, and possible, and if there was “a God” he could hear me and respond, if not… well, I was right!
When I would drive around “talking to the air,” I would say things like.. IF you are really there, then I really want to know. Let me know you are there... if you hear this, then do thus and such... (Real goofy, or difficult stuff, like answer a question, or have a friend I had not seen since 3rd grade call me. Dumb stuff and profound stuff.) I have many stories to insert here, but too many bunny trails and too many words for you to read.
I sort of made a bell hop of God. But I did it not to be a jerk or to test HIM, my heart was totally sincere. I lived in an area that was like the home of the Cults & occult. I didn't want to become religious, or sucked into a cult. By this time my heart was earnest and truly searching for truth. I morphed from trying to calm down my sister and make her more appropriate to wanting to know for myself.
God was incredibly gracious toward me. I could take up pages of text with the stories about those answers. (And perhaps I will blog some of them as time goes on.) Suffice it to say, there were so many, it defied coincidence. They were so perfect, it defies random chance. Eventually, God convinced this cynic that He Was. That He really WAS...Unlike the Easter Bunny, or Santa… HE really did exist!
I was convinced beyond a doubt that God existed and was He was the same God that revealed Himself to and created the Jewish people.
Eventually, using the Old Testament, He showed me where Jesus fit in, as well as where I fit in the grand scheme. That too was a neat twist to the story. While embracing the truth of Judaism, I find the Messiah and ended up a believer in Jesus as the Messiah...go figure.
Once all of that was settled, I read the bible, and for the first time in my life, I could understand it. One thing I did understand was that the things I questioned in St. Ursula's school that got me labeled "Impertinent" were answered in those pages. I found freedom, truth, love and lots of neat things.
I thought that it was all was AWESOME… and decided that when I turned 40, after I had done more living, and was an old boring adult, married with kids, I would become a true follower of Christ. After all, I did not want to be a hypocrite, how I could say I was a Christian and live my own way. I was not yet ready to become religious and give up my fun life so, until then, it was great knowing that God existed and I would use that information later.
Weird thing though...once I had made that conscious decision (to put God on the shelf), all of the "coincidences" and things that I had come to know as evidence of the "presence of God" ceased. It stopped so abruptly that it was noticeable. The silence was loud and it was eerie! After all for nearly a year my life was consumed with the quest for truth and the interaction with God...now it was void again. Suffice it to say, that for about a week or so it remained that way until I had a number of epiphanies; such as, I had no guarantees that I would make it to age 40; that God had gone over and above the norm to reveal Himself to me and maybe it would not be too cool to ignore Him and die without doing business with Him....And other things that pushed me to a decision.
I remember the decision and the day well. April fool’s day to be exact. I went from being the fool of one master to the fool of THE MASTER. What pushed me over the edge was a combination of the importance of making a decision NOW when I KNEW I was breathing, coupled with a bunch of near death accidents and the explanation of the Gospel from a psychiatric social worker I met. Where "escaping hell" as a motivation did absolutely nothing. (Why should I care to escape a place I didn’t believe in?) A greater understanding of God motivated me. I recognized that God was so ineffable and loving that he chose to create not puppets, but free willed beings that could choose to love Him. That He created us to share His character, His love, and have relationship with him. That He had to pour out His love, as he was just being HIM. I saw the world and myself as constantly “giving him the finger.” Yes, that is exactly what I thought and what I said to him. There he was, beckoning us, desiring us to have relationship with Him and trust him with our lives and we were busy flipping him the bird by doing our own thing and declaring ourselves as gods and lord of our own life. It moved me with great pain...I was struck that He chose to be affected by us and that he so loved… I was very very very sorry indeed. I was way too aware of all the areas that I fell short, but mostly of my pride, arrogance, psuedo intellectualism and hubris. I hurt God… I did not anger Him, I broke His heart and it broke mine. I dropped to my kitchen floor and wept. I would never be the same.
In the beginning I started out a "closet Christian." For one thing, I didn't want my sister to know!!! I did not wish to admit that she was right! Also, at that time I was also quite insecure and a MAJOR people pleaser and did not want rejection. People would think me a nut, my reputation would be ruined!
Eventually, much to my chagrin at the time, I had to come out of the closet. A combination of me growing and healing as a person along with the reality of God and truth versus this virtual world we value.
Within a few years I had turned into a Jesus Freak! (I asked him not to...that day I so graciously offered him my life that was my ONE request! However, He ignored me).
If my life were a book or a movie, I would title it "Adventures with God." And boy has it been! Have I got many very very cool stories. Touching stories... Precious treasure from dark times in my life.. And best of all, a totally different understanding of who God is than I had of the mean offence-counter, finger wagging, angry God of my Catholic upbringing. (I am happy to see that over the last few years, God had moved upon the Catholic Church and has set them free of many of their erroneous judgments of God & weird rules & regs. A recent pope, was filled with the Holy Spirit, spoke in tongues and encouraged reading of the Bible.. That has to be a good thing!)
Up to date... Knowing that God has a larger perspective on people and situations, I always include him in major decisions and depend on him for wisdom, guidance, etc. My life is not my own.. I traded my life for His life.. (I made out in the deal). I made out BIG TIME!
Oh, and as far as “Hell” is concerned. I came to believe in it. After coming to a place where I believed that Jesus was exactly who he said he was I had to acknowledge that he spoke about hell so many times that it must be real. There were many things like that I had to just “trust” him about when I could not wrap my mind around it or wanted to! But if Jesus said it, then that settles it. Who am I going to trust on he bottom line? Reality based on my perception and knowledge or on what God says? So...Hell is real. Years after coming to that conclusion, I also realized that it was quite logical, that if God is good and life and light and love… and God cannot not dwell with evil and sin, then Hell is a place totally devoid of God--that means it is a hopeless, agonizing place. I am not motivated by fear of it as Jesus restored my relationship with him.
[Update 2010: It has been 33 years since that day I lay on the floor of the kitchen on 27 College Avenue in what is now Sleep Hollow. I have grown so much in so many ways. I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with God. Jesus referred to him in a term of endearment of the day which would be our equivalent of "Daddy" and that is what I like to refer to him as. But He is much more of course and depending on my interaction with him, what I call him changes. He could care less about the formality or informality of the words; it is the heart that matters.
I am humbled that this caustic, impish, prideful girl was pursued and transformed by the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob into the person that I am today. Who am I? A human that knows that she knows--that she knows--that God is, and who He is and knows the knowable parts of Him and is growing in that relationship more and more.
I feel humbled at all the incredible ways throughout these 33 years that God has shown be that He is involved in my life. From silly silly little things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of life to tremendously big things. From Heavenly hugs to major life altering experiences.
I want this for everyone. I love my fellow man and hurt when I see people not free to be who they were meant to be, or people being like lemmings and believing things that they themselves have not thought through and sought on their own. Life is so much more when you walk with Him! You truly become alive… and yet, the best is yet to come. ----------------------------------------------
Thanx for reading :) I would love if you would share your own stories in the comments. xoxo ME
